Thread: Feeling kinda lost.. Any Advice?

Hey all.. Been forever since i've been here. Been debating the past few days whether or not I should post this.. but I don't know who else i can turn to.

Anywhere.. here's the main issue..

I have been with my current "Boyfriend" for over a year now. I say it in quotations for two reasons.. One, I don't call him that anymore, not after what he said to me. Two, because he lives in Tennessee, and I live in British Columbia. We've never had the chance to come face to face yet, though we have been planning it. For the first while, everything was fine.. He's fun, random. He accepted me for who i am and was. Accepted my sisters, my coven. Told me his own belief's... It was going great.. At least i thought anyway. Then he started getting mad for doing things without him. For doing stuff with others, men especially. Which is really hard to deal with, seeing as about 90% of my friends are male. He claims he just want me to himself, just wants to spend time with me, cuddle, relax.. especially after a long day at work. ok.. fine. I don't mind. To a certain extent. It gets frustrating. He says he wants that, but won't talk.. won't let me know if he's there. If I get bored and go do something, he gets all upset and claims i'm bored with him. I tell him i'm bored with the situation, not him. I've got a lot of energy. Boredom and I don't mix too well :P. Then he'd be ok, chatty, fun, and play our MMO together with me. Then the situation would repeat either within a few days, or the next week. Its done this off an on for the entire time we've been "together." The thing that did it for me, was when he decided he was going to be clingy needy and whiny on my last birthday. That he wanted me all to himself, and that we were going to do what he wanted.

I had waited for him to get home from work.. was going to suggest going and playing the new content in our game. Well.. that was blown out of the water. He freaks on me, calls me selfish, says I have no time for him anymore, when all i've done all year is give him my time. Then he thanks me for ruining his evening. I told him off for ruining my birthday, and left to go out to dinner. I barely spoke to him for a week after that, and he finally blew. And in his words, called me an inconsiderate bitch and a warcraft whore. (We play World of Warcraft and Guild Wars together). I told him Goodbye, and logged out of my messenger. Then I went and spent some time with my friends in game, because i had nothing planned for going out that night. Well, he tries talking to me that way. Doesn't work.. tries my phone, I won't answer. He tries to pin everything on everybody except for himself. When that doesn't work, he went sweet. Saying he was sorry, that he doesn't want to fight anymore, that he just wants to be with me. I didn't let him in right away.. after awhile.. I gave in. Started talking to him a bit more.. But I dunno. It feels like he is still that same person. That if i don't have eyes just for him, he'll blow. As well.. We have shared pictures.. many times. He goes on and on about how gorgeous I am, and claims he wants me to feel it, wants me to feel good, etc.. Which is sweet.. but all he goes on about anymore it seems is that. And personally.. for me.. Its a turn off. I don't want to just hear about how pretty i am all the time, or how I "have a nice ass." But he doesn't understand that.

I did care for him once.. still do.. or I wouldn't have talked to him again. And it seems silly, and the choice should be clear writing it out and rereading it to myself.. But it still feel lost.. He has had a harsh past. Bad childhood. He watches for things in me that will indicate i'll do to him what his ex's have done to him. Hurts that he does watch. He was so fun. We'd stay up forever just chatting the night away. But its like the longer we are together.. the more depressed he seems, the more stressed he gets, the more needy and demanding he gets. Maybe i'm just clinging to what i thought he was, and i don't want to hurt -that- person... would still like to know thoughts on this though.. I just don't know what to do about him. I don't want to hurt him by "leaving," but I can't help but feel staying with him is wrong, though I want to.. if that makes any sense at all...

One thing I have learned over the years is:

1) It isn't a real relationship unless you have exchanged bodily fluids- time spent with one another in person, living your lives together is very different from online romances, so don't put such a priority on making it a real relationship, rather than a friendship that might have turned into a relatonship.

2) Psychotic, nuerotic, controlling, manipulative people don't get better (read calmer) as time goes by, they just get worse. A person who wants to control you instead of simply love and support you is going to try and exert more an more control, manipulation, aggressive and psychotic behaviors. AS soon as they rear this side of themselves it is hard, but you must walk away. The intensity of the negative behavior will increase and gain in severity and you don't need that in your life, no matter where you are.

3) Listen to your intuition: don't stay with someone because you feel sorry for them, people change sometimes for the worse and if you find yourself suddenly incompatible with their new life-style and behaviors your life contract with them is over and it is time to move on. That is usually what your gut is telling you, you know intuitively when your time with someone is over, we tend to overrationalize and believe in mythical soul mate scenarios without really listening to our intuition.

hope this helps,
JB

As someone who has been in similar situations....and to an extent still am, but that's being with an alcoholic for you.....I say RUN!!! RUN FAR FAR AWAY AND DO NOT LOOK BACK

I say do what feels right to you & don't be scared of the out come if U know thats whats right for u then do it. Put U're Self first!

Don't judge my 'side' by the first half of the post; this is just to get a different perspective in there......

His side as I see it:

......after our spat on her birthday, she wouldn't talk to me for a week. Finally I got fed up, and said some things out of anger. She just logged off! Then she went in-game, but wouldn't talk to me. I tried her phone and in-game messaging, but she just kept ignoring me. The longer she refused to talk, the more upset I got. Finally, I caved in, and realized that it was my fault. But when I tried apologizing, she wouldn't listen at first! Eventually she did, but, I don't know.....lately it seems I get so pissed off so easily. Sometimes I get so mad, and know I'm hurting her, but I just can't stop myself. I really want to stay with her, but we just seem to be drifting apart more and more. I don't know what to do!........


OK, so that was really bad and probably way off-base.......still, you get the idea, right?

Now, you have to face the facts. You have a few options concerning your relationship with him:

A.) Stay together, try to work things out, see what is bothering him. This is most likely going to seem the easiest path 'for now', but the longer you wait, the more difficult it will become. If you ask him, he may become irritable or not want to talk. If you don't, it will get worse. This choice would mean using subtle comments/questions in conversations to figure out the issue and try to resolve it. Is he just jealous? Is there something deeper? Is something bothering him lately, maybe an issue at home? Or is it something else?

B.) Explain directly to him that you wish to 'break up', in essence, but wish to remain friends. This could have any number of reactions. He may get upset and refuse to speak to you for a while, if not forever. Realize that if he does not come back, it was probably for the better. He may take it badly, but agree (likely). In this case, you will want to forget any ideas of romance, and try to have up-beat conversations whenever possible. Become a friend, and forget the past. Confide in each others as friends do, but help each other up as well. Don't talk about relations with other guys or what you are doing with them; it will only upset him, and it's not like he needs to know what you are doing every minute you are not chatting. This would probably be easier than staying with him, and would have less heartbreak involved than dumping/ignoring him completely, but it would be full of risk. If you want to remain friends, be wary, for there is high chance of him blowing up and dropping all connections with you, leaving you hanging and down a friend. This, in turn, can be more devastating than if you dump him outright.

C.) Leave him. Explain that you wish to end your relationship as politely and nicely as possible, then turn your back. Realize that an online relationship is no reason to tie yourself down. Remember also that online, each of us is a different person. With a few extra seconds, we can change our response to something more likely to show the side of us we want. Also realize that if he really cares about you, he should trust you enough to not become jealous when you speak of things you do with your friends. He has no right, as someone you met online, to tell you you cannot spend time with the friends you have actually seen in person. This may seem the obvious or easiest path, but before you take it, think through the effects it will have on both of you, and spend time considering if it is the right choice.

Now this decision is entirely up to you. Just evaluate the consequences of each choice, then decide. One warning, though: You say you have exchanged pictures. But you have not seen this man in person. Be wary, and realize that continuing as gf/bf will eventually lead to meeting - and danger. You never know who is on the other side of that screen, and no matter how sincere he seems, or how much you think you trust him, know that there are thousands of predators out there who would mean you harm. Keep this in mind as you decide. Also remember that he may very well be who he says he is, and in this case, you need to consider your actions accordingly. Try to say everything as you would if yours were the last voice he heard that day. Imagine you pick a bad day to tell him; he's tired, cranky, just flunked a test, and everything is going wrong. He gets online, and his girl friend dumps him. Realize that such actions could lead to the worst (yes, suicide, in the extremes). Now, I do not know all about your situation, so I am not one to rightfully say which option to choose, or even if these are the only ones (though I have a hunch that they are). Follow your conscience and do what is best for both of you.

So, there is my probably not really helpful and confuzzling post that I think might help you somehow. Just follow your conscience, listen to those who posted before me(no, really, they have some great points!), and decide on a choice in your and his best interests.

Good luck!

~Dove

wow - Dove are you a professional counselor?

because you certainly have my vote!
that was incredible - the greatest most thought out relationship 'advice' i have ever heard
really - you seem to know a lot about the dynamics of a relationship.

i disagree with the part of Jayne's statement...
" It isn't a real relationship unless you have exchanged bodily fluids"
but totally agree with
"- time spent with one another in person, living your lives together is very different from online romances"
i agree with Jane's #2 statement though -- and #3 - until i read DoveSong13's input

just my 2 cents worth

wyrdric

wyrdric: uh.....no, I'm not. ^^ Still in HS, actually. And I'm better at looking at all sides of a situation and seeing things critically and unbiased if it is written, as opposed to spoken to be by a biased (or unbiased) party. With speaking, I tend to have trouble putting my thoughts together in line, and end up sounding dumb when I try to help. I also can't look at my words after I spoke them, then go back and edit. Everything's a rough draft for speaking, whereas with writing, I can take my time to decide on what to say, and make it meaningful. For that reason in particular, I'd make a really bad counselor. ^^ But glad you think I sound that professional/experienced/I-know-what-I'm-doing-ish.

If it helps Midnight_Star with the issue at hand, then I'm glad I posted it. ^^ So, Midnight_Star: Let us know how it turns out?

~Dove